:-/

I have had very little to no contact with most people that I care about for the past 2 weeks since I've been in Africa. To say that I'm not happy here would be a lie, but I feel kind of alone. I don't really know anyone that well yet, and I've wanted to just talk to people that I know, but I haven't had that opportunity until this weekend.

This weekend was kind of hard. There's a boy in the IHRE program who likes me and who has kissed me on two separate occasions, and he's very nice, but he has a girlfriend. I'm not going to be the "other woman." I already feel very guilty about this, and I try to justify it by saying that he kissed me and I didn't kiss him, but that's still not fair. Fact is, I do like him, but not enough to have an affair. That's wrong. So now I'm just wrapped up in all these guilty feelings. Eish.

I also talked to a few friends today, and I found out some things that really hurt my feelings. I was actually feeling pretty good up until I found out said things, and now I...I dunno. I'm just really hurt and confused. I want to stand up and defend myself, but I shouldn't have to justify things I do for myself to anyone else. I'm not saying that I go around trying to offend people or I do things to upset them, but I do things for myself that don't hurt-- or even affect-- anyone else in the slightest possible way, and yet I'm wrong for having done them? I didn't realize that I was being judged so harshly. Now I'm letting anger seep in. I don't want to be angry though. I guess I also don't want to be sad, but knowing these things, I can't help but ruminate. It's so petty, too, I really shouldn't even care. But I do. It's just, argh. Y'know?

Anyway, that was my mini-rant, and I'd prefer not to put it up as a blog, but I really have no one to talk to (especially since I just learned that Skype is blocked by the school since it takes up so much bandwidth, and I can't afford to call anyone, nor can they afford to call me) so this is my last resort. Sorry, people who read my blog, whoever you are.

(PS I'm disabling comments because I don't want people to make stupid comments like, "If someone judges you than they aren't your real friend!" because life isn't that black and white. Life is more complicated than that, and since I've told no one what happened, no one really knows what I'm talking about, and so they really don't understand and therefore shouldn't comment. That was a really long sentence.)

Okay, time for bed now, for real.

Being forgotten is worse than being hated. At least in my mind.

What do I really want out of life? Late at night is when these kind of thoughts pop into my head.

I'll always have feelings for the what I used to love...but I've definitely started drifting away. I realized that today.

Another blog

I've begun writing for another blog, The Gay Atheist. If you'd like to see my writings, just hop over there (thegayatheist.com)...let me know what you think of what I have to say! :)

Visa

I never realized that filing a Visa would be so difficult. Okay, so here's the story. For a Visa I need about 10,000 pieces of paper signed by 10,000 different people. Great. Problem: I spend half my time in Iowa, the other half in Wisconsin. So when it comes to filling out paperwork from school, I need to be in Iowa. When it comes to doctor's records and birth certificates...I need to be in WI. Okay...so I get everything I need from school in Iowa. Head home, try to get my doctor to sign off on my medical form. She refuses since I complained of dizziness and fatigue back in March and still haven't had it checked out. She says she won't sign until I get a tilt table test. By the way, one of those is only $2,000. So I get one of those. I have Neurocardiogenic Syncope. Awesome. Got a prescription that I have to take twice a day that costs $60/month. Good thing I'm so rich and can totally afford all this. Go back to the doctor, she finally signs off on the sheet (by the way, this is over the course of 2 weeks, I'm panicking all the while). Then, also for the visa application, I need to have $2,000 in my bank account and prove it. Well, I have about $1,800 in my student account (leftover from a loan), so great, just transfer that to my personal bank account, right? Not that easy. I emailed different people from the financial aid department every day for a week and no one ever got back to me. Then I called and left a bunch of frantic voicemails. Finally, someone returns my email. He says since I request the check on a Tuesday, they have to wait another week to mail it out. Uh, what? Really? Didn't I ask for it to be direct deposited to my account, since that's how I get paid normally? Or you can't just, you know, mail it today? Okay, fine, I'll just be patient. Turns out the next Monday is a holiday (Memorial Day). So they don't mail it. Seriously? It honestly just sat there, check printed out, in an envelope, stamped, for 2 1/2 weeks. So they mail it on Monday...I finally get it today (Thursday). So I have to deposit that, and it won't post to my account until tomorrow, so they can't send out my visa application until tomorrow afternoon at the earliest. Takes 10 days to do at least. Great!

So I'm doing all this as quickly as I can...oh, turns out my medical form doesn't have an "official doctor's seal" on it. Okay, fine, I'll just print a new one and have them stamp it this time. Oh wait, my doctor doesn't have a stamp or seal of any kind. So...we're just sending them the form, sans medical stamp, and hoping that it goes through. If it doesn't, I can't go to Africa, because I won't have time to file for a 2nd visa. Awesome.

Buck's ashes were brought home today. My dad wants to display them somewhere; I think that's creepy. He keeps saying things like, "Buck's finally home." Uh, no, he's not. Buck's dead. The charred remains of his dead body are here, yes, but Buck is not here. Buck is dead. (I mean, we're all grown ups here-- well, beside Tiffany. Be honest.)

I've been either fighting with or lost several very close friends recently. I'm trying to act as if this hasn't taken a toll on me, but it certainly has. I'm trying to learn to rely mainly on myself, as I've recently learned that people will not always be there for you when you expect them to be or when they say they will be. Hopefully Africa will help me learn some independence.

Sorry to be so depressing and/or angry. I'm trying to be okay, looking forward to Africa quite a bit. It warmed up today, too, which was nice. I'm also reading "The God Delusion" by Richard Dawkins and I enjoy it thoroughly. Okay, well it's almost 10 PM, time for bed for me.

(Oh, by the way, I probably will not have access to blogs/facebook/skype/anything other than email while I'm in Africa, so if you're curious about my travels, give me your email address and I'll add you to my email list. Thanks.)

Life Happens

I haven't updated in a while. In case you're a creeper and haven't talked to me, I'll update here:

-Finished finals. Did decently with grades, 3 B's and 1 C. Pissed about the C, guess I can't do anything about it now.

-Home. Started work. Getting along with my coworkers much better than last year. Enjoying it.

-Sent in South Africa visa papers. Still gotta pay for it...loan won't go through until June. I leave for New York on June 28th, spend 2 days there for predeparture info, arrive in South Africa on July 1st.

-Still waiting to hear back about my Gilman scholarship. Should find out this upcoming week.

-Hermit crab died this week (Edward Norton II). Disappointing.

-I finally had a tilt table test, I have Neurocardiogenic Syncope. Gotta take Midodrine twice a day now. Fun. Good thing a month's supply ONLY costs upward of $60....no idea how I'm gonna afford that.

We put Buck down on Friday, May 29th. (Don't read further if you're not interested in the details, fyi.) My dad finally decided that it was time, since when he went to the bathroom, there was blood in it, he could hardly breathe, he was almost fully deaf, and kept having seizures. I held him as he died. I would say it was very peaceful, but I'm afraid it wasn't. Well, the actual death was, but the process wasn't. We gave him 3 steaks (small-ish steaks, not like huge t-bones), chicken fat, treats, then took him for a walk before we took him to the vet. He didn't want to get in the car though...which really upset me, since he usually loves car rides and hops right in. Then we got to the vet, and he was really stressing out inside the room. He was walking around nervously and wouldn't really come over to us. When the vet came in the room, he tried to hide behind me. He kept going to the door, trying to leave. Then when the vet came in, he wouldn't lay down...and when he finally did, I held him...the vet began injecting the barbituate, and Buck started to jerk and try to get up...slowly he just fell asleep, and the vet told us when he was gone. I just held him for a while and cried. It was honestly one of (if not, then the) hardest days of my life. Logically, I know it was the best decision, because if we had let him die naturally, it would have been painful and ugly. I still feel like we betrayed him though. I'm sorry to spill all the gory details, it just helps me to write this out. I'm crying just writing this.

I'm so shocked at how different everyday life is without him. Like today, I put peanut butter on my toast, and the jar was basically empty...normally we give those to Buck because he'll lick the jar clean. Or when I leave the house, I always say goodbye to him...or when I get home, he would come to the door and greet me. Just...little things like that. It sucks a lot. I'm afraid to get another pet because losing one is so hard. Now I'm afraid, what's it going to be like when my mom or dad dies? This is just awful. I'm so upset and I just keep crying myself out. I keep trying to keep busy, that helps a little. I just...argh. Feel so awful.

I miss you, Poopers. You were a good dog.